Fri, 06 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/ DoctorLoveCoach.com en-us http://doctorlovecoach.com/images/logo.gif http://doctorlovecoach.com/ jdbphd@verizon.net http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article267.html Dear Dr. Janice, I am 27 and am dating a guy not quite 25. We have been dating for a year and a half. The last 6 months, he has been in Iraq. While he was here in the states, I felt that he blew me off occasionally. He had thought we were going to break up when he or I deployed but never discussed it with me. Anyway, we are still dating and I got out of the army. We talk at least 3 or 4 times a week. We stay relatively connected. We had never talked about marriage, and I brought it up. He will be in the army for another 2.5 years and in Iraq until Feb 2009. He says that he can't promise me anything for the future. He doesn't want to hurt me. There could be a possibility of something more, sometime after the army. He doesn't believe in long distance relationships, but we are in one. i am absolutely crazy about him and know that I could marry him tomorrow. Am I wasting my time and am waiting for something that will ever happen? Or is he really at this point not ready for a commitment but in time we could get married? TessieDear Tessie, Being involved in a relationship with someone who is "geographically undesirable" is one thing, but it's an entirely different situation when one of you is serving in the armed forces, especially overseas. As you may perhaps already know, fighting in a war is inherently stressful for a soldier, and so it's understandable that he may not be able to plan for the future. So what can you do to minimize the stress and maximize the benefits of being in a long distance relationship? Fri, 06 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article266.html Me and my girlfriend have been dating for over 2 years and we are of different races. She is in a house of strict religion where the man should ask her parents for her hand in marriage etc. and she been told repeatedly not to see or date me anymore but we still do. Her father and a few aunts already know that she wants to leave but her mom and other aunts already stated they will refuse to let her go. After finding out that her aunts have talked with her mom about trying to kill me if she leaves or as of right now she is piss scared of leaving because she says they will never stop trying to find us. How do we find a peaceful resolution so that we can still enjoy our love and not risk anything with her family or our lives? RyanSorry, Ryan, but I don't really see a "peaceful resolution" in your situation. You and your girlfriend are attempting to buck the system, one that pulls at your girlfriend in a direction opposite from you. While I'm not saying that I agree with how her family is behaving (or threatening), you have to understand that she has known them her whole life versus only knowing you for two years. So their pull is much stronger than yours. Given the circumstances you describe with your girlfriend and her family, I wonder what her motives are in dating you. Might she be rebelling? Might she be wanting to send a message to her family that she may not be able to send verbally? On the other hand, it's possible that she is truly conflicted about the demands of her culture and religion and being with you presents the pathway for her desire to escape. Unfortunately, it's not an easy escape, as the two of you have found out. Sun, 09 Mar 2008 21:27:43 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article265.html Dear Janice, I am writing because I have a problem and am tired of listening to my judgmental friends. About 3 months ago I met a great guy. He was sweet, attentive, interested in me as a person and so much fun to be around. Unlike most of the men I have dated in this city, he called when he said he would, made plans in advance and in general, was consistent with his contact. It was great and I was very happy. However, there has been a recent shift. I went out of town for 5 days and when I came back he was MIA. I called him upon return and he took 2 days to get back to me. Not ridiculous, but unusual for him. I suggested we make plans and he blew off the question. Said he would call me the next day and didn't. We haven't spoken since Thursday. Now, ordinarily I would just assume he's not that into me anymore and move on. However, I haven't met anyone that I was both mentally and physically attracted in a very long time. I am 28 and thought this had potential for a real relationship. I just don't understand how it went from great to garbage dump in days. I have been considering sending him an email. I was thinking of telling him that I noticed a shift in his behavior and while I'm not sure what is happening I still think this is worth pursuing. Is that totally desperate? He just seemed like such a genuinely good person and I can't believe that after months of dating he is pulling the slow and painful disappearing act. Please tell me if this can be salvaged. Terry Hi Terry, You ask a very good question, and the answer is simple-- it's in the "garbage dump" because it WAS great. . .and he just couldn't handle it. I'm basing this, of course, on your report that you felt a genuine connection, and your feeling that it was mutual. Because if that's truly the case, then it seems like it was too much for him to keep up.The question now remains: should you send him the kind of email you describe? Thu, 06 Mar 2008 22:00:00 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article264.html I really need your advice on a matter that has been bothering me. I've known my best friend Mimi for over ten years.Two years ago she met this guy, a lawyer, whom she described as charming and really sweet. He was really attracted to her when they first met, but at the time she was engaged and told him about me. When i met him, he looked like he had seen a monster (me!). I was so mad because I have always felt insecure, so his reaction only made me feel worse. My friend broke off her engagement this year. and is now dating him. She says he really loves her, and how great they are together (the past relaionship not so good). The problem is that she wants me to socialize with him. What do I do? I cant stand him! She says that in order for us to continue being friends I have to make an effort. Help! What do I do? Lori Throughout the ages, friendships have been won and lost because of the influence of boyfriends and girlfriends. Competing loyalties are often tested, with friendships being especially challenged because of the unfair advantage love and romance have over the situation. Your situation's special twist lies in the rejection you felt by this man when your best friend attempted to set you up with him. Now that they are together, you are unsure how to proceed. Truthfully, I don't think that your friend's request that you make an effort to get along with him is unreasonable. I suspect that she believes you should be over this rejection. After all, he wanted her then and he couldn't have her. But now that two years have passed and they are together, why wouldn't you try to get along? Rather than focus on how you felt wronged and rejected, I think that the most important thing now is to determine if this man treats your friend right and if she is happy. Fri, 15 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article263.html This is silly, but I need some advice. I am 20 years old and have been in a relationship with my current fiance (7 years older than me) for 4 years in March 2008. We are from a small town and we moved to a big city. I currently work in a business were I am the only girl. I developed a crush on my boss who is 12 years older than me. This crush has been developing more and more. Now I am not sure what to do. This crush started to develop more when my fiance asked my dad for permision to marry me. I also feel that my boss may feel the same way. But I am not sure how to tell directly since I have been in a relationship since I was 17. Can you help? C. Hmmm -- your "crush started to develop more" after your fiance took the next big step toward getting married. While you may legitimately be attracted to your boss, the timing is suspicious. At your age, a 12 year age gap is pretty significant. And even if your boss likes you, if he were to act on his interest in you, then he could jeopardize not only your job, but his. Sun, 20 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article262.html I have a relationship question. I like a man of 52 who has been divorced 7 years. He seems shy. He talks to me, smiles, looks googly eyed, positions his body towards mine. I don't see him often (we work at the same place but far from each other), We keep contact by e-mail. He is open and talks about his life and such. He said he "enjoys his bachelorhood very much." Was he trying to tell me he is not interested in me with that remark? I have never come on to him although I feel he knows I like him. Can you shed some light? BrendaDear Brenda, I have always been a big advocate of listening to what people say, as it is the best predictor of their behavior. So yes, by saying he enjoys his bachelorhood very much, he's telling you that he plans to stay a bachelor. It won't matter how much he flirts with you, moves his body extra close to you, or reveals about his life to you in emails. After all, isn't that what "enjoying" one's bachelorhood all about? Especially if he knows you like him. Consequently, I suggest that you keep the relationship platonic. If he actually asks you out on a real date, you can begin to gather evidence to determine if you're both looking for the same things in a relationship. If not, then you can decide if you truly do want a relationship with a "committed bachelor." Good luck! Thu, 20 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article258.html I got the call last week to give my expert opinion on why singer-acrtress Jessica Simpson is having difficulty finding a committed relationship after divorcing her husband, Nick Lachey. Since her divorce, I was told that Jessica has been disappointed in her search for a new partner, yet dating a variety of "unattainable men." So I was asked why Jessica was engaging in this pattern. To which I said, (as seen on page 73) "It's possible that Jessica is conflicted about being in a committed relationship again, so she's dating men who are unattainable," NYC-based relationship expert Dr. Janice D. Bennett tells Us. I don't know Jessica, but from what I'm told, Jessica broke one of my cardinal rules about how to, and why, leave a marriage -- Never leave thinking that you'll find someone better; leave only if you would rather be alone for the rest of your life than to be with this person for another minute. You can read more about Jessica and her struggle online at Us Magazine. Or you can request a pdf of the article for your own use by going to the Contact Us page. Sun, 02 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article261.html i was wondering if you could provide some advice about my long term relationship. I've been with my bf for about 7 years (am 26 y.o.) and have been feeling bored for the past year. We used to see each other every day, but it's gotten to the point where i feel i know everything there is to know about him and i would rather spend time on my own or with friends, and see him maybe once a week. Does this mean the relationship is dwindling down and i should call it quits before draggin it on for longer? how do i really know what this means? thx, AggieWell, Aggie, what you described doesn't sound good for your relationship. While I've never described the ending of a relationship as "dwindling down," I can see that the two of you no longer seem to be as interested in each other, or interested in pursuing the same activities and goals, as you might have years ago. The fact that you feel like you are "draggin' it on" tells me that you really are not excited to be with your boyfriend, and that doesn't bode well for your future. But that doesn't mean that it has to end. Wed, 28 Nov 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article259.html Dear Dr. Janice, I met a guy 5 weeks ago and he swept me off my feet. I met him out with friends who introduced us and thought we would be good for each other. We were having a great time for the first month of our relationship -- making plans for the winter. Going out and just spending alot of time together. Then one day after all night talking to me offering to a pay a babysitter to watch my kids and everything so that I could go out and see him, calling me all night and all morning, but by afternoon that mood had all changed. He told me that he had just got out of a 5 year relationship were he was taken for everything. When I say everything I mean he bought a house for her and her 3 kids, a truck for her to drive and paied for her to go back to school. Only to find out that she was cheating on him and only stayed with him to get what she wanted. He never saw this until just now though. I mean this guy went as far as to on saturday nights he stayed home and watched the kids so she could go out. Now he is with me and doesn't know what it is like for someone to treat him nice. I know that he likes me alot and wants to be with me but how can I help him get over his fear of a relationship? After all he is the one who is calling me wanting to see me and on. He started this relationship please help me get my man's head on straight. Thanks, AnnaIt's pretty clear that your boyfriend went through a traumatic experience, but didn't know it until after it was all over. No wonder he's fearful and holding back with you! He has to grieve and mourn the loss of the previous relationship, especially the time, money and energy he invested into it. He sounds like a real nice guy, a generous and caring giver, but, unfortunately, he hooked up with a "taker," who didn't reciprocate and took advantage of him. Tue, 06 Nov 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article256.html The New York Times must have a lot of singles working in their big building in Times Square with nothing better to do than to write what they know most about -- their single status and their attempts to make it work. What better place could there be for them to write about the pros and cons of dating those with whom you work. In Boss's Memo: Go Ahead, Date (With My Blessing) (article is re-printed below), Stephanie Rosenbloom is able to find plenty of evidence from human resource personnel to top administrators and executives to give the green light to singles who want to date a co-worker. I have expressed my doubts about inter-office dating before. In the message board thread We work together, can we date? I questioned if it was a good idea for a woman's to date her supervisor which would require breaking company rules against fraternizing with other employees. Under these circumstances, I suggested that she determine which is more important -- her job or the guy. My main objection to the NYTimes article concerns the aftereffects of a breakup, which is given short-shrift. I know singles who have jobs where fraternizing is allowed, and while it can make some aspects of the job fun, there can be some serious side effects making the practice challenging, confusing and, unfortunately, painful. While breaking up is difficult enought as it is, imagine having to then face that person on a daily basis at work. Most of my clients fear running into an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend on the busy streets of New York (not all that likely, but possible), but there's few places to hide in an office you are tethered for 8 (or more) hours a day. Sat, 13 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article255.html The NYTimes has called out a gorilla that exists in the rooms of many financially successful women -- the challenge they encounter when dating men who earn less money. The article Putting Money on the Table (also reprinted below) is an interesting one, providing lots of examples of women struggling to find a decent guy despite the digits (or lack thereof) on his pay stub. This is not news to me. While the article attempted to profile these high-earning women in a positive light, and might even make you feel a bit sorry for them, the article left out the possibility that these women could be more successful in the dating arena if they had a different attitude about their money. This is an issue that I have dealt with on numerous occasions with many of my female coaching clients, helping them to see that the discrepancy in paychecks does not have to be a "dealbreaker." Here's what I mean -- since a relationship is basically a partnership, each partner has to bring to the table different things. Traditionally, a woman was only required to bring her beauty and charm to a marriage, while the man was expected to provide the support and structure. In other words, a woman's worth was in her looks, while a man's worth was in his position and paycheck. Today, in the 21st century, with many women holding important positions and making respectable incomes, these roles no longer have to be assigned by gender. Consequently, singles have more opportunities to create partnerships based on mutual sharing and giving, rather than traditional gender roles. Sun, 23 Sep 2007 21:45:16 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article254.html Do unmarried Americans need a week to "celebrate" their single status, similar to Black History Month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and Secretary's Day? Well it seems like the answer is "yes," according to Unmarried America, "a website providing an information service for the new unmarried majority. . . unmarried workers, consumers, taxpayers, and voters." They created National Unmarried and Single Americans Week aka National USA Week. Designed to celebrate the lives and contributions of unmarried and single Americans from September 17th to 23rd, so "During Singles Week we want the general public to know that 89 million unmarried Americans -- and we now head up more than half of the nation's households -- deserve equal rights and fairness as workers, consumers, and taxpayers. We also want politicians and political parties to pay more attention to us as voters. That is more likely to happen if unmarried Americans speak out and spread this message."The website is filled with lots of facts and figures, one of the more interesting stated that 55.9 million households in 2005 -- now a majority of all households in the nation -- are headed by unmarried adults. While I can see how these collective numbers can theoretically carry voting power, I think that the inherent differences among never married, divorced and widowed singles would make it difficult to target them as a group. Add into the equation their geographical location, and I'm not so sure that their social and political needs can be easily defined, let alone met. However, if you're single and not a secretary, mother, father, Black American, or breast cancer survivor and looking to be celebrated, it looks like this is your week! Congrats! Mon, 17 Sep 2007 19:06:06 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article253.html I've worked with singles for over 20 years and witnessed how many have become so frustrated in their dating efforts that they feel hopeless and ready to give up. My teleclasses are designed to help you learn how to go *beyond chemistry* to evaluate true compatibility, make healthy decisions and attain the relationship you really want. If you haven't taken a teleclass with me yet, this summer is the time! Join me for my FRE^E *Beyond Chemistry* Teleclass: Create a Dating Road Map to Find Your Life Partner scheduled for Tuesday, July 17th from 9-10 pm EDT. If you're frustrated with the state of your life-partner search, you need the information I provide in the *Beyond Chemistry* teleclasses now more than ever! I will introduce you to a new perspective about dating to help you feel more confident, and less frustrated, in your pursuit of a loving, committed relationship.Or, if you're READY FOR A MORE INTENSIVE SHAPE-UP, try The *Beyond Chemistry* Teleclass Series: Use What You Know to Finally Find Your Life Partner.I've designed this 4-part teleclass coaching series to teach you how to access what you already know about yourself and others and to apply this knowledge to successfully navigate the dating process, overcome your relationship obstacles, and FINALLY find your life partner. This teleclass series is scheduled for four consecutive Wednesdays, July 25th, August 1st, 8th and 15th 2007 from 9-10 pm EDT and costs $120. To learn more about these teleclasses, as well as how to register (and a special discount), go to the Teleclasses and Events page. Wed, 11 Jul 2007 11:57:27 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article257.html The Fourth of July just passed and I have to admit that I was disappointed. My husband and I had planned lots of activities to do together, all of which required clear skies and warm sunshine. Instead, it was cold and rainy for most of the day, which meant that all of our plans had to be shelved. I was frustrated and disappointed, and in a bad mood that matched the gray skies. Dealing with frustration and disappointment is a skill that we all have to learn early in life. Unfortunately, many people don't, and it can manifest in many aspects of their lives, from work to play to love. Like many people, I've had my share of disappointments in my life, many much greater than experiencng failed Fourth of July plans. I've developed an armory of techniques to help me deal, and am frequently called on to help others develop ones that work for them. So instead of continuing to mope and complain on the Fourth of July, I went to the gym. I sweated it out and distracted myself while watching "Project Runway" repeats on tv. I had more time than I usually am able to schedule for work-outs during the week, so I didn't feel pressed for time. On the way home I called my husband from my cell phone to share that I was feeling much better. We made dinner together, watched a celebratory show and then one of my all-time favorite movies, Woody Allen's "Manhattan." It's no secret that dating to find a life partner relationship will be riddled with frustration and disappointments. So it's necessary to have some good coping strategies in your repetoire. Start by looking at dating is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and create the kind of life you want. Taking advantage of the opportunities that come with frustration can be one road to growth. Besides, how many opportunities for growth are in a pint of Ben & Jerry's? Sat, 07 Jul 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article252.html I was recently sent this in an email. I don't know the actual source yet, but hopefully will find it soon! ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments. FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing". SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome". THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing". Wed, 27 Jun 2007 07:51:28 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article251.html Here's how YOU translated this statement, "Let's get together again soon" made by a guy you like after a fun date. 37% said it means, "He likes me & will call soon to get together again." 28% said it means, "He likes me, but still wants to look around." 24% said it means, "He's not sure he likes me, but wants to be polite." 11% said it means, "This is a kiss-off." I think these results indicate there still is a lot of room for improvement in the way singles communicate their interest in one another. Saying "let's get together again soon" is basically non-committal. If it was clear, then why would only 37% of those polled say that it means something positive? Instead, over 63% thought that doubt was conveyed much more than certainty. The message that is the "take away" from this poll is this -- speak up and say what you mean to each other! Be clear about your interest and your intentions. When you say "Let's get together again soon," then say when that might be. And if you plan to call, then say when you'll actually call. If you're unsure, then it would be better to say, "I'm not sure where this is going for me. If I decide it's something I want to pursue, then I'll let you know within a week. If not, then take not hearing from me as a 'no.'" Now that's pretty brave, but wouldn't you rather hear that then "let's get together again soon" and think he merely wants to be polite? I think not. Wed, 27 Jun 2007 01:00:00 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article250.html Hello Dr. Janice, I am in a great relationship of 3 years with my boyfriend. I am at a crossroads right now in making a decision. I moved across country to be with him and go to school....now I have the option of moving back to my home state to go to school there, or staying here where the school is not as great, but my boyfriend is going to be staying here for awhile. He is unable to move with me, and thinks we should break-up if I decide to leave, to not do a long-distance thing. I really love him and he is totally committed, but I also do not want to compromise my happiness with plans of a degree. I am really scared to be single also, but am also scared of marrying him because he is my first and only. What can you give me for perspective? I really need some advice! JennyDear Jenny, Your dilemma is a common one for many college and graduate students who formed meaningful relationships while away at school. While your first priority was initially to get a good education, a student can be forced to reevaluate their goals if they've formed a meaningful relationship along the way. So you're now confronted with having to decide which has the higher priority -- pursuing your degree (I am guessing that it's an advanced, graduate degree, right?) or staying with your boyfriend and adjusting your academic goals. In making this decision, you already have some important information -- your boyfriend does not want to do "the long-distance thing." You can't blame him of course, because it takes a lot of effort to maintain a relationship over long distance. Although it can be done, it's not for everyone. Taking his feelings into consideration, I think you now have to decide where to pursue your education goals. Tue, 26 Jun 2007 08:42:18 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article249.html Hi Janice, I use a couple of online dating sites to find a relationship. I've written what I consider to be a creative, unique profile that tries to show me as someone with intelligence, wit and some depth and imagination. But I get ignored or rejected by probably 99% of women who I contact or who see my profile. Even by those who are themselves intelligent and educated. Would it be possible to ask for you to look at the profile for your impression of it? SteveOf course I will look at your profiles Steve, but I prefer to do so in the context of knowing more about you and your vision of your ideal relationship. Singles frequently end up writing essays for their profiles that don't necessarily match who they are and what they want. One reason for this is, like you perhaps, you're trying too hard. Consequently, your profile either doesn't feel real or it's filled with a bunch of overused adjectives.I have coached many singles who told me "I tried dating online and it didn't work for me." My response is usually, "But you didn't do it with a coach!" Once I teach a client how to create an effective profile and show them how to sort and screen through the various members contacting them, they usually see how they unknowingly made mistakes that cause the failure. Oh, and an important piece of information that is often ignored -- Thu, 31 May 2007 17:00:00 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article248.html Hi Janice, I have been with a guy on & off for 12 months. We have been friends for 3 yrs. We are exclusive but only see each other once a week & gradually have begun talking on the phone up to 5 times/week. He classifies us as friends but everyone that sees us says its a relationship. My family & friends like him and he fits in like a glove. I am tired of feeling uptight about when I will see or hear from him next as I am 43 & he is 41, and the sitting by the phone at my age is ridiculous. We aren't kids anymore so I want more which he says he just can't give me as his head isn't in a good place. He has never married and is the youngest of four, is quite the loner, although he does have a steady job. His last relationship lasted 6 yrs & the one before that 4. I need help to help him get his head together. What do you suggest? He has told me that he cares deeply for me & loves me too. Unfortunately, I want more. Anyway, just today I told him that if he can't give me that then he needed to tell me to walk away. He got angry but did snarl out an "ok, julie, you need to walk away I cant do anymore." What do you think? How long should I have been willing to only take the crumbs while life passes me by? I am not asking him for marriage, engagement, or moving in together just more time spent in each others' company. What do you think? JulieDear Julie, I have always said that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to the words that they say. Your guy-friend told you that "he just can't give me [more] as his head isn't in a good place." Moreover, he tells people that the two of you are "friends," which seems incongruent with what you say is the nature of your relationship -- "exclusive." And if you noticed, his behavior supports his comments -- he doesn't commit to spending more time with you. So what you've done is exactly as you say -- you've settled for crumbs and you're frustrated that he can't give you a whole cake, let alone a small cupcake! Sun, 18 Mar 2007 17:03:21 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article247.html Last month, my spry, tap-dancing mother accidentally fell and broke her hip. Like many elderly women in their 70's, my mother knew it could happen to her at any time and took precautionary measures to prevent it. She took her Fosomax on a weekly basis, she exercised and ate healthy. But my mother lived in constant fear. She recently told my sister-in-law that she would wake up each morning and ask, "Is this the day I'm going to break my hip?" When she took her dog Kukla out for a walk, she was extra careful not to let the dog pull too hard on her leash, fearing she would fall. When she walked to the market, she made sure not to walk too fast or take her eyes off of the sidewalk, fearing she would step on an unforeseen crack. She was always wondering, "Is this how I'll end up breaking my hip?"You may recall my article "The Pursuit of Attraction-ness." In it, I described how the Law of Attraction can help singles find the life partner relationship they want. To recap--by envisioning the kind of life you want, believing that you deserve it, and then living and behaving in ways that are consistent with this vision, you will attract the people you want to attract. My dear mother followed the Law of Attraction, yet to unfortunate results. By believing she was vulnerable and weak, she envisioned a disaster. . . and ended up attracting one! Tue, 13 Mar 2007 20:24:55 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article246.html The sport of auto racing traditionally uses a system of colored flags to communicate important messages to the participating drivers. Typically, there is a primary flagman who waves the flags atop a flagstand in the middle of the course. But because many drivers may not be able to see the flagstand, several other officials are stationed along the course to direct traffic and keep drivers aware of various road conditions and hazards.It isn't much of a stretch to see how this aspect of professional car racing can help explain some important aspects of dating, since singles are told to look out for "red flags" while following a dating "road map" and navigating relationship "curves and obstacles." In auto racing, flags are used to inform all drivers of the general status of a race. A solid green flag is usually displayed to indicate the start of a race. If a race is not under caution or delayed, it is said to be under "green-flag" conditions. The solid yellow flag, or caution flag, requires drivers to slow down due to a hazard on, or off, the track. The checkered flag is the most famous flag in auto racing -- it invariably indicates that a driver has completed, and won, the race.But it's the solid red flag that is referred to the most when racing analogies are made to dating. In auto racing, the red flag is displayed when track conditions are considered too unsafe to continue the race. Heeding the red flag is necessary in order to prevent serious car accidents or injuries to the racers. In dating, a "red flag" is defined as a behavior you observe or experience in your dating partner that warns you of a problem area in the relationship, or about the other person. Mon, 12 Mar 2007 22:00:00 -0400 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article245.html Hi...i have been divorced for 10 years and have been dating this man for almost 5 years. He is also divorced for 12 years. I am trying to approach this relationship in an open and honest way by disclosing any thoughts or feelings regarding our relationship or how things he does or even how situations affect me. When I express my feelings it most certainly winds up in an arguement where I get told that I am abusive by talking about these things. Aside from his lack of accountability, he is a wonderful man. What am I doing wrong? Thank you, Dee Hi Dee, To start off, it certainly sounds twisted to hear that you are accused of being abusive merely for expressing your feelings or telling someone the effects of their behavior on you! So right there, I'm not so sure that this "wonderful man" that you've been dating for over five years is really all that wonderful. And he has a "lack of accountability?" I assume you mean that he blames everyone else (like you) for his problems, rather than see what he's contributing to his dissatisfaction in the relationship.While I give you props for being open and honest in this relationship (which I assume you had not been in your marriage), it's not going to make a bit of difference with this guy at all. He will continue to argue your feelings until and unless you relent. He's not someone who is likely to change and "learn" to get along. But if you've been accepting his behavior for five years already, then this is the "deal" that you've made, as you can read in Love Is A Big Deal, Part 1, and Part 2. Sun, 18 Feb 2007 19:08:48 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article244.html Every year around this time, I begin to hear the moans and groans from singles about what to do on Valentine's Day. This is quite unpleasant for me, since I don't believe that only one day of the year should be designated to honor love. In order to help me handle my frustration, I thought I'd do some research to find out a little more about this "holiday." Because I wasn't raised learning about saints and martyrs, I discovered that although myths and legends about St. Valentine abound, there's really only one story about him that's actually "romantic." In the third century A.D., the Roman Emperor Claudius II found that married men were often unwilling to leave their wives and children to serve in the military. To fill his dwindling army, the ruthless ruler outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, a priest in Rome, defied Claudius and performed marriages for young lovers in secret. When his actions were discovered, he was put to death on the 14th of February.How clandistine relationships and marriages morphed into a day of chocolate, roses and hype is beyond me, and would probably take a historian to uncover. Nevertheless, Valentine, the priest, was recognized and voted into sainthood. And since I understand that there's some good to be gained by honoring, or even emulating, a saint, I found a resource that I think will benefit today's singles. It's from the recent issue (Feb. 8-14 ) of TimeOut/New York entitled "Why you?re single. Whatever the reason, we?re here to help. " It offers a cornucopia of resources to help you a) improve your squeaky voice, overweight body, bad breath and/or poor posture; as well as b) get over-- feeling desperate, shy, cheap and/or obsessed with your pet or ex-lover; and even c) deal with being commitment-phobic (to name just a few). So honor St. Valentine by getting yourself ready for the relationship you really want. There's probably lots of ground to cover. Sun, 11 Feb 2007 17:06:45 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article243.html There's now a way to meet other singles who share your passion for theater. Launching on Wednesday night, February 28th, people who purchase tickets for a performance that evening of any of 21 participating Broadway and Off-Broadway shows will be invited to free pre- and post-theater parties. SinglesNightonBroadway will host a pre-show warm-up cocktail party at Madame Tussaud's New York. Participants will also get special offers for an after-show bash at one of three theater district eateries: Trattorio Dopo Teatro, Zanzibar, and T New York. In addition, there will be a raffle that evening to benefit Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. (All participants must be 21 or older to attend the pre- and post-show parties.)I suggest that you pick a play or production that might not appeal to families with children, so you know more adults will be attending. Something like Spring Awakening, or the new Talk Radio with Liev Schreiber. If you don't go to the theater in NYC often, this is a chance to meet other singles, and talk theater to your hearts' content. Mon, 29 Jan 2007 09:17:19 -0500 http://doctorlovecoach.com/Article242.html Hi Janice! I am in a relationship with a man who is unsure about the future of "us." We dated for a year and a half without ever talking about the future. When I finally brought it up things got rocky. We've been on-again off-again for about two years now and he still is wary of committing to me, although he loves me and thinks I am a wonderful person. He feels that something is missing and can't commit to the relationship because of it. I love him very much and would do anything for him, I want nothing more than to marry him. I know what most people would say, if he still can't commit after 2 years than forget him, but that is the one thing I am not willing to do. He's an amazing person and I think he would make a great husband. We've talked about it to no end and just don't seem to get anywhere. I think he has relationship issues, and he's been seeing a psychologist for at least 6 months now but it hasn't helped him gain any clarity on the situation. He's 41 and I'm 28 and neither of us has ever been married. Here's the real kicker - he's my boss. Is there anything you can suggest that we can do that may help him be able to move forward with the relationship? We can't "take a break" since we work together and see each other every day regardless of what is going on with us outside of work. I can't stress enough how much he means to me, I really am willing to do anything to make the relationship work (except walk away). Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. MarilynDear Marilyn, Since you said you were willing "to do anything for him," then I suggest that you find another job. By doing so, the boss-employee relationship is factored out of your relationship equation. Getting another job will give him the message that you take your relationship with him seriously and want to give him space, at least from 9-5, to figure things out. If you were to stay in your job, then he's not really experiencing what life would be like without you. Sun, 28 Jan 2007 18:32:01 -0500