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I participated in Janice' s *Beyond Chemistry* series in Spring 2004 ... [ and] became engaged in September, 2004! Thanks Janice!
-- Becky[Click here to read more]
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  Do singles have questions about dating and relationships? They sure do! If you have a question about a relationship quandary, just go to the "Contact Us" page and ask!
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Dear Dr. Janice, I am 27 and am dating a guy not quite 25. We have been dating for a year and a half. The last 6 months, he has been in Iraq. While he was here in the states, I felt that he blew me off occasionally. He had thought we were going to break up when he or I deployed but never discussed it with me. Anyway, we are still dating and I got out of the army. We talk at least 3 or 4 times a week. We stay relatively connected. We had never talked about marriage, and I brought it up. He will be in the army for another 2.5 years and in Iraq until Feb 2009. He says that he can't promise me anything for the future. He doesn't want to hurt me. There could be a possibility of something more, sometime after the army. He doesn't believe in long distance relationships, but we are in one. i am absolutely crazy about him and know that I could marry him tomorrow. Am I wasting my time and am waiting for something that will ever happen? Or is he really at this point not ready for a commitment but in time we could get married? Tessie Dear Tessie, Being involved in a relationship with someone who is "geographically undesirable" is one thing, but it's an entirely different situation when one of you is serving in the armed forces, especially overseas. As you may perhaps already know, fighting in a war is inherently stressful for a soldier, and so it's understandable that he may not be able to plan for the future. So what can you do to minimize the stress and maximize the benefits of being in a long distance relationship?
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, June 06, 2008
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Me and my girlfriend have been dating for over 2 years and we are of different races. She is in a house of strict religion where the man should ask her parents for her hand in marriage etc. and she been told repeatedly not to see or date me anymore but we still do. Her father and a few aunts already know that she wants to leave but her mom and other aunts already stated they will refuse to let her go. After finding out that her aunts have talked with her mom about trying to kill me if she leaves or as of right now she is piss scared of leaving because she says they will never stop trying to find us. How do we find a peaceful resolution so that we can still enjoy our love and not risk anything with her family or our lives? Ryan Sorry, Ryan, but I don't really see a "peaceful resolution" in your situation. You and your girlfriend are attempting to buck the system, one that pulls at your girlfriend in a direction opposite from you. While I'm not saying that I agree with how her family is behaving (or threatening), you have to understand that she has known them her whole life versus only knowing you for two years. So their pull is much stronger than yours. Given the circumstances you describe with your girlfriend and her family, I wonder what her motives are in dating you. Might she be rebelling? Might she be wanting to send a message to her family that she may not be able to send verbally? On the other hand, it's possible that she is truly conflicted about the demands of her culture and religion and being with you presents the pathway for her desire to escape. Unfortunately, it's not an easy escape, as the two of you have found out.
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, March 10, 2008
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Dear Janice, I am writing because I have a problem and am tired of listening to my judgmental friends. About 3 months ago I met a great guy. He was sweet, attentive, interested in me as a person and so much fun to be around. Unlike most of the men I have dated in this city, he called when he said he would, made plans in advance and in general, was consistent with his contact. It was great and I was very happy. However, there has been a recent shift. I went out of town for 5 days and when I came back he was MIA. I called him upon return and he took 2 days to get back to me. Not ridiculous, but unusual for him. I suggested we make plans and he blew off the question. Said he would call me the next day and didn't. We haven't spoken since Thursday. Now, ordinarily I would just assume he's not that into me anymore and move on. However, I haven't met anyone that I was both mentally and physically attracted in a very long time. I am 28 and thought this had potential for a real relationship. I just don't understand how it went from great to garbage dump in days. I have been considering sending him an email. I was thinking of telling him that I noticed a shift in his behavior and while I'm not sure what is happening I still think this is worth pursuing. Is that totally desperate? He just seemed like such a genuinely good person and I can't believe that after months of dating he is pulling the slow and painful disappearing act. Please tell me if this can be salvaged. Terry Hi Terry, You ask a very good question, and the answer is simple-- it's in the "garbage dump" because it WAS great. . .and he just couldn't handle it. I'm basing this, of course, on your report that you felt a genuine connection, and your feeling that it was mutual. Because if that's truly the case, then it seems like it was too much for him to keep up. The question now remains: should you send him the kind of email you describe?
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, March 07, 2008
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I really need your advice on a matter that has been bothering me. I've known my best friend Mimi for over ten years.Two years ago she met this guy, a lawyer, whom she described as charming and really sweet. He was really attracted to her when they first met, but at the time she was engaged and told him about me. When i met him, he looked like he had seen a monster (me!). I was so mad because I have always felt insecure, so his reaction only made me feel worse. My friend broke off her engagement this year. and is now dating him. She says he really loves her, and how great they are together (the past relaionship not so good). The problem is that she wants me to socialize with him. What do I do? I cant stand him! She says that in order for us to continue being friends I have to make an effort. Help! What do I do? Lori Throughout the ages, friendships have been won and lost because of the influence of boyfriends and girlfriends. Competing loyalties are often tested, with friendships being especially challenged because of the unfair advantage love and romance have over the situation. Your situation's special twist lies in the rejection you felt by this man when your best friend attempted to set you up with him. Now that they are together, you are unsure how to proceed. Truthfully, I don't think that your friend's request that you make an effort to get along with him is unreasonable. I suspect that she believes you should be over this rejection. After all, he wanted her then and he couldn't have her. But now that two years have passed and they are together, why wouldn't you try to get along? Rather than focus on how you felt wronged and rejected, I think that the most important thing now is to determine if this man treats your friend right and if she is happy.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, February 15, 2008
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This is silly, but I need some advice. I am 20 years old and have been in a relationship with my current fiance (7 years older than me) for 4 years in March 2008. We are from a small town and we moved to a big city. I currently work in a business were I am the only girl. I developed a crush on my boss who is 12 years older than me. This crush has been developing more and more. Now I am not sure what to do. This crush started to develop more when my fiance asked my dad for permision to marry me. I also feel that my boss may feel the same way. But I am not sure how to tell directly since I have been in a relationship since I was 17. Can you help? C. Hmmm -- your "crush started to develop more" after your fiance took the next big step toward getting married. While you may legitimately be attracted to your boss, the timing is suspicious. At your age, a 12 year age gap is pretty significant. And even if your boss likes you, if he were to act on his interest in you, then he could jeopardize not only your job, but his. </p If you're confused about whether or not you want to make a life-time commitment to your boyfriend/fiance, then I suggest that you start by talking with him. If you're distracted by your boss, then perhaps you can get transferred to another department, or even find another job. If none of these things work, then I suggest you talk with a professional psychotherapist to help you get clarity on your thoughts and feelings. Let me know if you need help to find one in your area. Good luck!
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I have a relationship question. I like a man of 52 who has been divorced 7 years. He seems shy. He talks to me, smiles, looks googly eyed, positions his body towards mine. I don't see him often (we work at the same place but far from each other), We keep contact by e-mail. He is open and talks about his life and such. He said he "enjoys his bachelorhood very much." Was he trying to tell me he is not interested in me with that remark? I have never come on to him although I feel he knows I like him. Can you shed some light? Brenda Dear Brenda, I have always been a big advocate of listening to what people say, as it is the best predictor of their behavior. So yes, by saying he enjoys his bachelorhood very much, he's telling you that he plans to stay a bachelor. It won't matter how much he flirts with you, moves his body extra close to you, or reveals about his life to you in emails. After all, isn't that what "enjoying" one's bachelorhood all about? Especially if he knows you like him. Consequently, I suggest that you keep the relationship platonic. If he actually asks you out on a real date, you can begin to gather evidence to determine if you're both looking for the same things in a relationship. If not, then you can decide if you truly do want a relationship with a "committed bachelor." Good luck!
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i was wondering if you could provide some advice about my long term relationship. I've been with my bf for about 7 years (am 26 y.o.) and have been feeling bored for the past year. We used to see each other every day, but it's gotten to the point where i feel i know everything there is to know about him and i would rather spend time on my own or with friends, and see him maybe once a week. Does this mean the relationship is dwindling down and i should call it quits before draggin it on for longer? how do i really know what this means? thx, Aggie Well, Aggie, what you described doesn't sound good for your relationship. While I've never described the ending of a relationship as "dwindling down," I can see that the two of you no longer seem to be as interested in each other, or interested in pursuing the same activities and goals, as you might have years ago. The fact that you feel like you are "draggin' it on" tells me that you really are not excited to be with your boyfriend, and that doesn't bode well for your future. But that doesn't mean that it has to end.
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Posted by: Janice
on Wednesday, November 28, 2007
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Dear Dr. Janice, I met a guy 5 weeks ago and he swept me off my feet. I met him out with friends who introduced us and thought we would be good for each other. We were having a great time for the first month of our relationship -- making plans for the winter. Going out and just spending alot of time together. Then one day after all night talking to me offering to a pay a babysitter to watch my kids and everything so that I could go out and see him, calling me all night and all morning, but by afternoon that mood had all changed. He told me that he had just got out of a 5 year relationship were he was taken for everything. When I say everything I mean he bought a house for her and her 3 kids, a truck for her to drive and paied for her to go back to school. Only to find out that she was cheating on him and only stayed with him to get what she wanted. He never saw this until just now though. I mean this guy went as far as to on saturday nights he stayed home and watched the kids so she could go out. Now he is with me and doesn't know what it is like for someone to treat him nice. I know that he likes me alot and wants to be with me but how can I help him get over his fear of a relationship? After all he is the one who is calling me wanting to see me and on. He started this relationship please help me get my man's head on straight. Thanks, Anna It's pretty clear that your boyfriend went through a traumatic experience, but didn't know it until after it was all over. No wonder he's fearful and holding back with you! He has to grieve and mourn the loss of the previous relationship, especially the time, money and energy he invested into it. He sounds like a real nice guy, a generous and caring giver, but, unfortunately, he hooked up with a "taker," who didn't reciprocate and took advantage of him.
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, November 06, 2007
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 Hello Dr. Janice, I am in a great relationship of 3 years with my boyfriend. I am at a crossroads right now in making a decision. I moved across country to be with him and go to school....now I have the option of moving back to my home state to go to school there, or staying here where the school is not as great, but my boyfriend is going to be staying here for awhile. He is unable to move with me, and thinks we should break-up if I decide to leave, to not do a long-distance thing. I really love him and he is totally committed, but I also do not want to compromise my happiness with plans of a degree. I am really scared to be single also, but am also scared of marrying him because he is my first and only. What can you give me for perspective? I really need some advice! Jenny Dear Jenny, Your dilemma is a common one for many college and graduate students who formed meaningful relationships while away at school. While your first priority was initially to get a good education, a student can be forced to reevaluate their goals if they've formed a meaningful relationship along the way. So you're now confronted with having to decide which has the higher priority -- pursuing your degree (I am guessing that it's an advanced, graduate degree, right?) or staying with your boyfriend and adjusting your academic goals. In making this decision, you already have some important information -- your boyfriend does not want to do "the long-distance thing." You can't blame him of course, because it takes a lot of effort to maintain a relationship over long distance. Although it can be done, it's not for everyone. Taking his feelings into consideration, I think you now have to decide where to pursue your education goals.
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, June 26, 2007
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Hi Janice, I use a couple of online dating sites to find a relationship. I've written what I consider to be a creative, unique profile that tries to show me as someone with intelligence, wit and some depth and imagination. But I get ignored or rejected by probably 99% of women who I contact or who see my profile. Even by those who are themselves intelligent and educated. Would it be possible to ask for you to look at the profile for your impression of it? Steve Of course I will look at your profiles Steve, but I prefer to do so in the context of knowing more about you and your vision of your ideal relationship. Singles frequently end up writing essays for their profiles that don't necessarily match who they are and what they want. One reason for this is, like you perhaps, you're trying too hard. Consequently, your profile either doesn't feel real or it's filled with a bunch of overused adjectives. I have coached many singles who told me "I tried dating online and it didn't work for me." My response is usually, "But you didn't do it with a coach!" Once I teach a client how to create an effective profile and show them how to sort and screen through the various members contacting them, they usually see how they unknowingly made mistakes that cause the failure. Oh, and an important piece of information that is often ignored --
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Posted by: Janice
on Thursday, May 31, 2007
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