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"I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many faces. Searching their eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of. Hoping to find a friend and a lover, I'll bless the day I discover another heart, looking for love." "Looking for Love," song lyrics by Johnny Lee.

Q. The men that I have been dating want to have sex right away, even on the first date. How do I get men to wait until I know them better?

A. There are a few ways that this question could be answered, but I will respond by making two points: one pertaining to how a woman presents herself and behaves on a date, and in the other I will address the sex and dating issue directly.

When I hear women complain that the only thing that men are interested in is sex, I try to get them to look at themselves first before casting all of the blame on men. For example, if you are dating online, what is the message that your profile conveys about you? Let’s start with your pictures: do you look smartly attractive in a variety of poses, or do your pictures instead exude sex with a "come hither" look? In your profile, how do you describe yourself, the men who interest you, and your ideal date? If it contains too many references to romance, this can be confused with sex. Make sure that your profile makes you sound appealing while simultaneously showing you as a woman of substance who is looking for a solid guy.

A. It can be very painful not to feel accepted by those that you want to accept you. This is common in childhood, when we may have been the last person chosen to play a game, or in adolescence when we were never asked to dance. I could use this column to discuss how to make yourself more resilient to rejection; however, I’m going to assume that you are a healthy and well-adjusted woman who needs some help with your dating strategies.

I think it's important to start with some definitions and distinctions to get at the heart of what happens when chemistry hits. Let's start with "attraction." In the psychological realm, attraction is defined as the anticipation of getting one"s needs met by another person, and of being able to give what we uniquely have to give to this other person.

Q. I've come to the conclusion that there's one reason I'm not married: Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of intimacy. Fear of change. Fear of failure. Fear of commitment. I've witnessed among my friends, family and community a staggering number of divorces that leave many hurt and pained, and I am afraid to make the same mistake. How do I overcome this fear? I do want to lead a normal life.

A. Many singles face the same dilemma. Their choice is clear: deciding between the perceived safety and comfort of a single existence, or the vulnerability and risk that are necessary to achieve intimacy and closeness with a partner.

The key to overcoming your fears is to understand them for what they are: normal, healthy…and defeatable.

While chemistry and physical appearance are often the basis for initial attraction in relationships, we know that successful long-term relationships require much more than just chemistry. People need to be compatible in other ways as well, such as in intellectual, emotional and spiritual areas.

Everyone has in their mind a picture of their "ideal mate." This person will have a combination of qualities that fit into one of two categories: enduring qualities, which are honesty, integrity, kindness, generosity, loyalty, and trustworthiness.

The other category are one's personal preferences, such as looks/beauty, intelligence, profession, financial stability or level of success, family background and involvement, hobbies, and degree of religiosity. The difference between these two categories is that the former consists of qualities that are non-negotiable or mandatory, while the latter consists of qualities that are more flexible and negotiable.