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Few topics are as volatile in a relationship as discussions pertaining to money, which ranks right up there with discussions about sex. That's because the attitudes and feelings we have about money are deep-seated, strongly reflecting one's values and expectations about life.

The subject of money came to my attention a few months ago when I was sent the article, "Nine questions partners should ask each other before getting married," by John Opdyke, from the Wall Street Journal's "Love and Money" column (March 29, 2006). I featured the article in my blog entry, "Talking About Money Shouldn't Be Taboo," and offered copies of the article to those requesting it. I then received this question from someone in response:

"Dear Dr. Janice, What do you have to say about how to deal with money with a partner... I'm dating a guy who when we were living together he cheated on me and I put him out. We have since then gotten back together to save the relationship (talking about marriage). He has gotten his own place (renting a house) but of late can't manage his finances. He states he wants a partner to support each other financially, but he is the one who always wants monetary help. I've given him a substantial amount of money of which he as not repaid. The last time he asked, I said no, now he states he doesn't want a partner who doesn't support his financial pitfalls. My position is that when dating, each person should be able to stand independently financially. Am I wrong to think this way or should I give in after all we are trying to become one.

"Some other factors to consider: My finances are double his, I have one child, 24, never married. He has been married for 13 years with three kids, age 10, 16, and 23. I need help. Lisa."

The Doctor Says. . .The description of your boyfriend's behaviors in your relationship demonstrates how his attitudes and feelings about money are consistent with, and can even predict, his needs and expectations for a life partner relationship.

While my article focused mainly on the more common aspects of commitment phobia, specifically the fear of the unknown, or the fear of repeating a painful past experience, someone asked me if fearing what might have to be given up, or lost, would constitute commitment phobia. I.e., fearing the loss of one's independence. So I thought I would briefly address this question (but without stating it as the "last word").

Recalling my definition of "commitment phobia" as "an unrealistic fear of making a promise, a pledge or a vow to be a faithful and loyal partner to another person," many singles fear that commiting to be a life-long relationship challenges the safety and comfort they perceive as a benefit of being single. Remaining single does have its advantages. You can come and go as you please, leave your dirty clothes or dirty dishes alone for as long as you want, and spend your time and money independently. And, you can choose to reveal to the world whatever parts of yourself you want to reveal, and keep your weaknesses and vulnerabilities hidden.

In most contexts, our fears are designed to keep us away from dangerous situations. It's healthy and normal to fear snakes, loud noises and bad smells, and we protect ourselves by running away from them. But in order to create a trusting and intimate relationship with a partner, one has to confront fears and take emotional risks. . . .

This is the point in relationships when I frequently hear a lot of complaints, such as "She's worried about being only with me," or "He's got 'commitment phobia'." The term "commitment phobia" is a rather new addition to the English language. The original use of the term "phobia" comes from classical psychoanalysis, and is defined as "an obsessive, persistent, unrealistic intense fear of an object or situation." Common phobias are acrophobia, the fear of heights; claustrophobia, the fear of closed spaces; and agoraphobia, fear of open spaces. These unrealistic fears are thought to stem from "the displacement of an internal (unconscious) conflict to an external object symbolically related to the conflict." (A Psychiatric Glossary, Fourth Revised Edition, American Psychiatric Association.)

However, modern behavioral psychologists say phobias result from painful and/or traumatic events. For example, being stuck in a crowded elevator or subway train for a long period of time can cause phobic (fearful) reactions to, and avoidance of, elevators and subways, i.e., claustrophobia, in the future.

Defining the term "commitment" is a bit easier. It is a promise, a pledge or a vow. Making a commitment or a promise is essential when pursuing a goal. For example, an athlete wanting to win a gold medal in the Olympics must make a commitment to do everything it takes to win. As it pertains to the goal of creating a life partner relationship however, the commitment requires being loyal, trustworthy and faithful to another person.

Sure, you say you have to be with someone who values punctuality as much as you because you've worked so hard on it. And all of those little piles in your apartment? Well, you've developed an intricate system that keeps them from growing any bigger. So how could you be with someone who doesn't make these same things as much of a priority?

The truth is, everyone has limitations that have to be dealt with. We manage our "inner slob" by working hard to keep clutter at bay and maintaining our organization strategies. We control our "inner grouch" by not showing our irritation when confronted with inattentive waiters or careless drivers. So why does it make someone else "rejectable" if they aren't as on top of their own inner slob or inner grouch as you?

I believe that the problem is actually about the acceptance and tolerance of one's own imperfections and limitations. That's right. I say "one's own" because that's what this is really about -- not accepting your own inner slob or grouch to the extent that it's actually okay for someone else to be messy or grouchy. Rejecting someone on the basis of these little things is especially harmful when the man or woman you're dating happens to be a kind, considerate, generous, honest, and trustworthy person. And you're rejecting him because he gets impatient with a slow cashier? Or ending the relationship because she's always losing her keys?

It is a common experience among singles to confront life factors that can conflict with the love they have for a dating partner, thus forcing them to decide what compromises, or "trade-offs," to make in order to make theirs a relationship that lasts. As I presented in Part 1, a life partnership becomes, in essence, a "deal" created between two people, requiring negotiation and agreement on a number of important life issues. So the ability to live with the one you love indeed becomes "a big deal."

Karen and Henry each faced the dilemma of how to move their relationships forward towards commitment. Here's how they identified the trade-offs and deal-breakers in their relationships, and went about cutting the best deal.

Karen's dissatisfaction in her relationship with Gary motivated her to solve the problem by addressing it directly. She told Gary that she loved him and wanted to spend more time together, and Gary said he felt the same way. She then suggested that they make a schedule for being together, similar to one he uses for visiting his son. Gary responded by telling Karen that he felt she was pressuring him. He said he was doing the best he could. She explained how she supported his business and parenting endeavors, but needed more time alone with him in order to continue in the relationship. Gary said his needs were to be with Karen as much as possible too, but he could not guarantee that he could stick to a schedule.

Karen noticed that Gary perceived her as a nag, which was clearly not an outcome she wanted.

Shifting the love you experience with someone into a healthy, committed relationship is often more challenging than we would want it to be. After all, once you find someone to love, shouldn't the rest just fall into place? The answer, unfortunately, is "no."

A life partnership is, in essence, a "deal" created between two people requiring negotiation and agreement on a number of important life issues. Therefore, being able to live with the one you love indeed becomes a "big deal." I have seen singles struggle in their relationships when confronted with life factors that challenge their love for one another. "Cutting a deal" is the phrase I use to describe the process of reconciling what you're getting and not getting in a relationship. Compromises, or "trade-offs" are frequently necessary when cutting a deal. But if there are too many trade-offs, they can become "deal-breakers" -- reasons for ending the negotiations and, ultimately, the relationship.

Fascinated, yet unable to fully concentrate because the music was so loud, she agreed to talk with me again to explain how academics view the experience of communicating with the opposite sex. My ultimate motive was to obtain information that could be helpful for singles while dating to find a life partner relationship. A week later, Dr. Merkin and I spoke for a one hour telephone interview.

Dr. Merkin began by explaining that one of the reasons why men and women have difficulty communicating with each other is because they were "acculturated" differently. In other words, they grew up in different "cultures." While we don't usually think of gender as a separate "culture," one well-known communication theory contends that even if boys and girls do attend coed schools, they will still play and socialize separately. Consequently, males and females grow up in gender-specific groups, each with their own culture, and ultimately their own styles of communication.

Dear Dr. Love Coach, I am about to propose to a woman I've known for 15 years. We were friends in college, married other people, but now both of us are divorced. What I'm wondering is this -- Is it proper for me to ask about her past relationships and/or sex life ? If so, what types of questions are okay? George

Dear George, I'm a little surprised that you're asking for permission to inquire into your girlfriend's relationship history this late in the game. My question to you is this -- What difference would it make if you had this information? My hope is that the answer would be "not much." So is it "proper" for you to ask about her past relationships and/or sex life? At this point, I'd have to say "no," yet with a caveat.

Before you propose, you can ask her if there is anything in her relationship history, or something that she learned in a previous relationship, that she thinks would be important for you to know. An example might be, "Well, my previous husband refused to help around the house which was a big source of arguments between us. So I need you to know that making the effort to keep things tidy is very important to me."

Basically, the focus needs to be on sharing historical information that would have potential relevance in your current relationship. I get concerned when I hear about singles engaging in long conversations with a potential dating partner about what led to the destruction of their previous relationships. And sometimes they haven't even met yet!

Dear Janice, An old fraternity brother called to tell me that his younger sister was moving to my city. He asked that I show her around and introduce her to good people and families. When we met and hung out together, we had a lot of fun and discovered that we shared similar interests and “philosophies” about life. I’m interested in seriously dating her. When I spoke with my friend/her brother about it, he said he didn’t mind, but that it was really up to his sister, but she told him that she’s only interested in me as a friend. I’m hoping that by continuing to do things together that she’ll come to like me as more than a friend. After all, it’s a big city and she could use someone to help her find her way through it. I think that could get her to like me in a romantic way. Do you think my plan can work? Ira

Ira -- This is not the first time I’ve heard about a man hoping to get to a woman’s heart by befriending her first. On paper, the plan actually makes sense since women are more inclined to be attracted to a man by way of his inner, emotional qualities. However, I am not a big fan of any behavior that is duplicitous, or manipulative, and that’s exactly how this strategy appears to me. If a man is honestly interested in dating a woman, then he should make his intentions known by asking her out on a real date. If he wants to spend meaningful time together, then just hanging out or doing something “as friends” ends up looking like “stealth dating.”

Q. I just broke up with a guy I had been dating for nine months. We got along well on many levels, but realized that we couldn't be "life partners." So much of the relationship was good, but the arguing made it bad. While I'm willing to give up the sex and the hope for a future together, I don't want to give up our friendship. We enjoy many of the same things and I would miss sharing them with him. Can't we be "just friends" while I search for the guy who will be "Mr. Right?" Allyson

A. Maintaining a platonic relationship with someone you used to date is frequently the source of confusion and frustration. So much of your energy had been invested in this person, which makes severing only some of it very tricky. But if you really want to create a life partner relationship with someone who meets all of your needs, then I suggest it is best NOT to be friends with your ex.

Trying to maintain a friendship with someone with whom you had been physically intimate is especially challenging. That's because sex is like "superglue" -- it's easy to get stuck, but extremely difficult to get unstuck.