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As many singles have discovered, "virtual" dating is very different than "actual" dating. Q. About 6 weeks ago I met a man on a website who lives 1,000 miles away. After emailing each other, we moved to talking on the phone. We are both divorced, and have many common experiences, interests and life goals. We have even talked about what our lives would be like if we got married. He is in a much better position to travel to meet me, but it hasn?t happened yet. In the meantime, he emails me every day, even sends romantic “e-cards,” and says very endearing things when we speak on the phone. I know that I like him a lot, but I?m confused and uncomfortable because I’m afraid he?s falling in love with me. I don’t know what is appropriate without having met him yet. Any suggestions?
A. If you had met this man in person prior to being geographically separated, you’d have much more to go on, and build on, by staying in contact virtually. It’s understandable that you’d be confused since your relationship has no actual, physical ground on which to stand. This is because the internet and telephone can create environments where it is easier to let down your guard and create a “pseudo-intimacy.”
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The first thing you should do is get him to set a date as to when
he’s going to travel to meet you. Since you fear that he’s “falling in love” with you, then you should trust your instincts and cut back on the virtual contact. For example, if the romantic e-cards make you feel uncomfortable, then you are entitled to ask him to stop sending them. You can always change your mind if, after you’ve met, you decide to continue the relationship and they help maintain and nurture the feelings that you felt for him in person.
Work on making your phone conversations productive, rather than
ones where you just bemoan your virtual circumstances. I suggest
that you make a schedule as to when, and for how long, you’ll talk on the phone each week. Attempt to talk about current events rather
than “what it’ll be like when we’re together.” If you share an interest, pursuit or hobby, plan to talk about them, as well as other actual experiences from your day. In other words, as I outlined in my previous “Fear Factors” column, stay more in level 2, where you talk about your experiences and events, rather than level 3, where you share more of your feelings.
Creating and maintaining this type of structure over your virtual
contact should help you feel more in control and comfortable in a situation where there really is no structure. I can promise you though, that your questions and concerns will be addressed once you meet in person! Then, you’ll have a lot more information with which to decide what to do, and where to go, next.
Q. I just finished reading about the woman who was concerned about her weight. I’ve always been thin and look really good for my age. But I’m now 44 years old and still haven’t found the right guy. I have 3 kids from rotten relationships and volunteer at school. Why can’t I find a suitable partner? Can you help me?
A. I had previously addressed part of what you are asking in my article “'It’s Wise to Strategize” when I suggested various dating strategies to attract more men as potential dating candidates. I still believe that the wider you cast your net, both geographically and philosophically, you increase your chances of meeting someone who could end up being a suitable mate. Even though I addressed a woman who described herself as “full-figured” in a previous article, I would actually give the same advice to you: firstly, make a connection over the phone or email with a man before you meet, and secondly, understand that the more you accept yourself for who you are, the more someone else will accept you.
However, I am concerned about an entirely different issue that you raised, which is your level of skill at managing and being in relationships. Three children from “rotten relationships?” If I do the math correctly, it means that you were involved with at least
two, if not three, bad marriages/relationships that bore children. Sorry, I don’t care how good you look at 44, because if you don’t
have the necessary interpersonal skills to nourish and grow a healthy partnership, you are only setting yourself up for yet another failure. And what kind of role model are you then for your children?
Other than what I already said, I don’t know why you can’t find a suitable partner. But I can give you a “prescription” for how to start making better choices in men: figure out what you did in each of your relationships that contributed to their failures. Find a professional to help you learn from your mistakes and to pick up on others’ cues and clues to make better decisions. In essence, learn to date “consciously” so that the next man you choose is capable of working with you to create a healthy, mutually gratifying relationship.
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Welcome !
