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Dear Dr. Janice, I am 27 and am dating a guy not quite 25. We have been dating for a year and a half. The last 6 months, he has been in Iraq. While he was here in the states, I felt that he blew me off occasionally. He had thought we were going to break up when he or I deployed but never discussed it with me. Anyway, we are still dating and I got out of the army. We talk at least 3 or 4 times a week. We stay relatively connected. We had never talked about marriage, and I brought it up. He will be in the army for another 2.5 years and in Iraq until Feb 2009. He says that he can't promise me anything for the future. He doesn't want to hurt me. There could be a possibility of something more, sometime after the army. He doesn't believe in long distance relationships, but we are in one. i am absolutely crazy about him and know that I could marry him tomorrow. Am I wasting my time and am waiting for something that will ever happen? Or is he really at this point not ready for a commitment but in time we could get married? Tessie Dear Tessie, Being involved in a relationship with someone who is "geographically undesirable" is one thing, but it's an entirely different situation when one of you is serving in the armed forces, especially overseas. As you may perhaps already know, fighting in a war is inherently stressful for a soldier, and so it's understandable that he may not be able to plan for the future. So what can you do to minimize the stress and maximize the benefits of being in a long distance relationship?
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The best strategy is to take his lead. If you genuinely care about him, then the best thing to do is to support him in his current deployment. The relationship is going to have to be about him right now, and it's best not to ask him about the future. I don't hear that he's ready for a commitment right now, but things could change once he returns back to the states.Even if he did say everything you want to hear about creating a future together, he's still in a stressful environment that can turn upside down at any time, I suggest that you continue to keep in touch with him by following his pace. Continue to send him not only emails and letters, but care packages too. This will communicate to him that you support him. Try to keep your feelings in check by talking about them with your own family and friends, rather than bringing them up with him. His homecoming will be that much sweeter. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Friday, June 06, 2008 - 05:00 AM
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