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I finally did get married to a wonderful man... Thanks again. I will certainly recommend you to my single friends.
-- S[Click here to read more]
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I just got back from my August vacation. As many people do before they take a vacation break, I tried to tie up loose ends so I could enjoy my days off. But then the blackout hit! For those of us in my Manhattan neighborhood, the blackout lasted for about 15 hours, which was enough time to ensure that many of my loose ends would remain loose. So much for getting this newsletter out before I left! Suddenly, the newsletter deadline, and other deadlines, seemed impossible to meet.
This experience reminded me of when, as a college student, I learned that I did not do well with rapidly approaching deadlines. So I planned to finish term papers a week before they were due, because it was the best way to handle my anxieties. This way, I learned something about myself and put that self-knowledge to good use in structuring my life. Having this piece of self-knowledge is an example of how I learned to trust my instincts and follow my "inner gyroscope." This strategy has given me the confidence to make many important decisions throughout my life and career. Knowing how I feel, what I stand for, and what I want has helped me to make sound decisions to be a better parent, coach, clinician and partner.
This week's article, "Know Yourself," is about having the confidence to trust your instincts. I know that it isn't always easy for singles to do this, especially when you may have loved ones saying that they know better about what you should do. I say, don't be seduced by what others say. It's your life, and only you will be living it.
Q. I have been dating for six years and have rebuffed many men who wanted to either marry or be serious with me. I feel lonely but unwilling to settle or commit because of two failed marriages. I have lost confidence in my judgment. I seem to prefer edgy men who are ultimately unavailable, to the sweet guys who flip for me. I would love your advice.
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A. Out of all of the statements that you made, the one that stands out the most is "I have lost confidence in my judgment."
Poor judgment can often come disguised as a fear of commitment, and even an unwillingness to settle. Generically speaking, poor judgment is usually the result of not having enough information with which to make good, sound decisions. Similarly, people make poor decisions in relationships when they don't have enough information-they don't know themselves, don't know what they want, or don't have the necessary skills to articulate their needs.
According to David Steele of the Relationship Coaching Institute, dating involves four critical skills:
1. "Scouting" - the process of finding potential partners
to meet;
2. "Sorting"-the process of quickly determining if there
is enough in common to pursue a potential relationship;
3. "Screening" - the process of collecting enough information
to know if your requirements would be met; and
4. "Testing" - the process of testing all of the information
and experience you've gained to determine the relationship's long-term
potential.
If you don't have these skills, or if you have them and you don't use them, then you are susceptible to the seductions of men who are, as you described "edgy. . . and ultimately unavailable." This approach may work if you are dating recreationally, but if you are looking for someone with whom to have a deep connection on intellectual, emotional, and spiritual levels, then you will have to dig more deeply.
If this sounds like relationships can take a lot of hard work, well, that's right. But if you want to create a healthy, loving, committed relationship, you have to consciously use all of your abilities to monitor your potential compatibility and do what it takes to see it through.
So the most important thing you must do before dating is to define yourself. Take time to think and ask yourself these questions: What are my strengths? What are my limitations? What do I have to give in a relationship? Think also about your goals in life-- what is my life path? What is important to me, what are my priorities? Basically, you need to answer the question: "Who am I and where am I headed?"
For example, do you want to become the CEO of a corporation, or travel the Australian outback, or is it motherhood and raising substantial human beings that is your life goal? Do you want to live a simple life on an organic farm, or a sophisticated life in a bustling city?
Knowing who you are and where you're headed in life are essential to knowing where and how to search for a soulmate...and especially how to recognize him/her when you're dating.
Over the years, singles frequently confided to me that they were being told to "settle" if they really wanted to get married. These recommendations came from people who loved and cared about them, and who obviously wanted to see them married.
But how can YOU know if you're settling for less than the right partner?
This is where knowing yourself, knowing what you're looking for and knowing your needs come in to play. Having this information helps you to make decisions that satisfy YOU, not others. Since the fear of being alone, the fear of grief, the fear of pain, and the fear of making a mistake is so strong, one can be persuaded to settle for less. But if you know yourself and what you are looking for, and are confident about it, you can, and should, rely on your own judgment rather than that of someone else.
Dating is a time to trust your instincts. While no one can predict the future, a person has to rely on his/her good sense of what's realistically attainable in a relationship. This can be tricky--on the one hand, it may mean disqualifying what may appear to be very nice and acceptable men because you know that you need more than what he/they are capable of giving. On the other hand, it may mean being single longer than you'd like as you continue to "scout," "sort," "screen," and "test."
Ultimately, only YOU can reconcile what you are getting and what you are not getting in a partner. If you focus on what's missing, then you may be setting yourself up to feel that you are settling for less. But if you use all of the skills described above, and stick to them, then you will have more information with which to make confident decisions as you search for your soulmate.
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, October 12, 2003 - 05:00 AM
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